my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
