Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
