I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
