peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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