New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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