Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Less talking, more tequila
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
