Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
