you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
