Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
