Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
