she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
