Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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