You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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