Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
