Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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