I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
