dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
