Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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