Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
