it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
