My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
