Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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