went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
