p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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