I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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