I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
