Just fell off a train. Bad.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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