She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
