So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
