Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
