We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
