did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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