Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
