Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
