My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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