I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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