Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
