so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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