I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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