im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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