Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize