I skipped work to stalk him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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