i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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