There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
