Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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