doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
