Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
