The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
