Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize