i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
