I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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