i already hear my dad disowning me
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
