It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
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