Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
