I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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