Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
