If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
