I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize