fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
