....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
