Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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