I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
