The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
