My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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