I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
