Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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