She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
