She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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